My Journey to Tantra
Anorgasmia & My Big Nahk-O
One of the first questions that people love to ask me is why I got into the field of Tantra, Conscious Sexuality and Sacred Embodiment to begin with. I enjoy offering a variety of different responses to this question:
- Because I feel passionate about the environment and strongly believe that as we all learn to heal the divide between mind and body, that relationship will naturally carry over into intimate connection with the Earth and a desire to restore and protect her magic and resources
- Because I perceive that sexual distortion is a huge part of the disconnect between men, women, and all beings on this planet, and I feel committed to helping bring this distortion out of the shadows to love it, heal it, and move on to the next model of healthy sexual connection and collaborative co-creation
- Because I believe that our culture urgently needs a new model of relationship, since the socialization we've received from previous generations and popular culture clearly is not working anymore (if it ever did)
- Because almost everyone regardless of gender has experienced some form of abuse or sexual trauma, myself included, and it feels so important to create safe and sacred spaces in which to explore embodied tools that support these energies in being brought up and moved through
- Because I feel certain that the most powerful way to free our minds from colonial domination and oppressive programming is to free our bodies and claim our sexual sovereignty
These reasons are all completely true for me...and, they are the safe answers.
The truest response to the question of what brought me to this path goes much deeper, and is rooted in my own sexual blockages, my experience of what "professionals" like to term Anorgasmia.
By definition, "Anorgasmia is a type of sexual dysfunction in which a person cannot achieve orgasm despite adequate stimulation" (thanks wikipedia).
And so, here is the story of how I REALLY got into Tantra:
In 2015 I was turning 27, and at that point I had never experienced an orgasm.
I had always been very explorative and open, had an active fantasy life, self-pleasured regularly, and I didn't have any obvious sexual trauma that I could point to as a reason for my body's inability to respond the way others' seemed able to.
I wanted sex because I craved the connection. Deep down, I didn't really understand what all the fuss was about. Because I wanted to like it, I trained myself to be good lover, focusing on my partners' pleasure though I was completely blocked when it came to receiving.
I later came to understand that a series of clumsy and un-initiated partners early on had created intense armoring of my extremely sensitive body, and also had reinforced the belief that I wasn't worthy or capable of pleasure.
What's more, I've had enough intense heartbreak and rejection to imprint within me the sense that when I do open my heart and my body to a partner fully, it hurts - physically and emotionally.
Somewhere along the way, my body had taken control and decided that we simply were not going to open like that anymore as a way to help me stay safe.
When sex wasn't hurting, it wasn't doing anything for me. I was numb, completely locked down, unable to feel from the inside out. On the rare occasions when I did feel arousal, the energy would build and peak, then completely shut down, numb out or become hyper-sensitive, and sometimes even bring on intensely painful cramping.
I thought I was broken.
So, I pushed it out of my mind, ignored it, and pretended to love sex all the while harboring intense resentment towards any one, particularly women, who I perceived as being in their sexual power and able to experience the kind of release and ecstasy I longed for but couldn't seem to access by myself or with a partner.
I believed no partner would want me and had pretty much given up...then, something remarkable happened.
The week of my 27th birthday, two of my favorite musical groups of all time came to town to play at the local Lake Eden Arts Festival (LEAF). Rising Appalachia and Nahko & Medicine for the People were the soundtrack to my life then, as I was deep into the initial stages of exploring Environmental and Social Activism along with Nature-based spirituality.
They played consecutive shows, with Rising Appalachia opening a powerful portal of deeply rooted Goddess energy that awoke something primal within me. Then, Nahko came on to Ankh it in.
As he called in the Directions standing barefoot and bare-chested on stage (hellooooo Jesus), I felt the spirits of the sacred land all around us perk up and begin to circle closer.
As the music began to build, the energy began to gather, spiraling throughout the space and rising to the apex of the giant bell tent in which we all stood. It was powerful, magical. A full-on ceremonial experience.
I felt all parts of me come online.
And, my body responded.
I was turned on, driven by the Message in the music that was being transmitted through the frequency of sound.
As the music built, so did the energy, and so did my excitement. I knew on the deepest soul level that I was in the right place, at the right time with the right community, on the right Mission. My whole life had been preparing me and leading up to this moment.
My whole being was lit up.
Then, Nahko struck a chord, and the energy that had gathered at the pinnacle of the tent right above where I stood shot down like a lightening bolt, right through the center of my crown. I felt my energy centers click into place, and there was a deep trembling in my pelvis.
I was afraid.
I had never experienced anything like this before. I tried to clench, to hold it in, but something inside me urged, "Let go."
So I did. I relaxed my muscles, and as soon as I did, a rush of pleasure overtook me. I felt a gushing sensation between my legs, and I screamed.
He struck another chord. I screamed again and felt another gush. My mind went blank.
It happened again, and again.
It was like every familiar chord that was struck resonated through my soul, like my body was being played along with the guitar.
The pleasure was so intense that I nearly blacked out.
What happened after that is a whole story of its own, best saved for another time...
Suffice it to say, that experience changed everything for me. My mystical musical Big Nahk-O had shown me that I wasn't broken after all, that my body is fully capable of experiencing the kind of pleasure I had heard about, read about, and witnessed in others.
This led to the awareness that my blockages were energetic, not just physical.
So, I started searching and soon discovered that energetic orgasms are totally a thing. And what's more, I'm not alone.
Nearly 5% of women have a hard time orgasming from direct stimulation, and plenty of other women experience other forms of sexual blockages that manifest in a multitude of ways (Source: Nolen-Hoeksema, Abnormal Psychology).
This discovery is what brought me to the world of Neo-Tantra, sexual healing, and kundalini energy.
My search soon led me to Tantric Retreat and my now dearly departed Mamma Mystic and Mentor, Denise Greenfield.
Denise devoted her life to healing sexual trauma through communion with Spirit and Nature. The first time I sat down with her, I realized within moments that she was offering me a transformational container and context for exactly what I had been experiencing and searching for. She took me on as her apprentice then and there, and the rest, as they say, is herstory. Our story.
I love this tale about how my initiation came about, but I often hesitate to share it because it is always inevitably followed by other much more challenging questions...
Am I better?
Have I healed my blockages?
Can I orgasm now?
I fear these questions, because how I answer may shift people's perception of me, in particular whether they deem me "qualified" to work with them, to help guide them on their own sensual empowerment journey.
The authentic and very scary answers to these questions are:
Yes, I am much better than I was.
Yes, many of my blockages have healed and released.
No, I have yet to experience another full-body orgasm.
The truth is that nearly 5 years later, I am still deep in the process of my own healing. I am still doing the work to unlock my full orgasmic potential. I don't pretend to be a master, nor would I ever claim to have it all figured out. I don't have a set formula, and if you came to me for help on this topic, I certainly wouldn't know how to "fix" you. That's your journey.
What I am is fully capable of holding space and sharing the tools and awarenesses that have been helpful for me.
I realize now what it means to embrace this path as a journey rather than a destination.
Because, what I HAVE accomplished is this:
- I have discovered and cleared a lot of past life and early-childhood trauma that has put my body and my energy on lockdown
- I have deepened my relationship with my body and come to honor the portal that it is, how tremendously sensitive I am, and what a gift that is
- I have realized that energy, a deep sense of personal safety, heart-centered connection, and people coming together around a clear co-creative vision in service to the planet turns me on more than any kind of intense stimulation
- I have mapped out exactly where in my body my blockages are holding, and I am working with a powerful team of healers who are helping me address these blocks and bring my full vitality back online
- I’ve worked to build the self-love and self-acceptance needed to ask for what I want, and to allow my body (not my mind) to guide intimacy
- I have discovered and am integrating a slew of powerful self-care practices like yoni eggs, womb steams, blood magic, movement, breath, dance, massage and so much more that helps me feel sensual energy more deeply, clear what needs clearing, activate what needs activating, and gives the witch in me tremendous joy
- I have learned the power of healthy boundaries and the intricacies of consent
- I am learning to be much more selective about who I allow close, who I share connection with, who I bring deep inside me, and how I allow myself to be approached, engaged and entered
- I’ve discovered new sensations and the joy of being in a body
And, most important of all...
I have learned that I am far from broken.
I am a fully-embodied, juicy as fuck powerhouse of a woman, and I am learning to love this body I have custom designed for my mission in this life.
I feel clear about what my medicine is to bring forth and why I am here.
I am here because the women of the earth have forgotten how to connect with our bodies, and so humans have forgotten how to connect with the Earth body.
And, I am here to help open and clear the way.
And, it is a process ever unfolding, with new twists, new turns, and new plot developments every day.
The most powerful awareness I am cultivating now is how to accept myself and my body exactly where I am. Not only to accept it, but celebrate it, and enjoy it!
It gives me tremendous pleasure to help guide others who are called to explore this path, to be a safe space and a light for seekers, the way Denise and countless others have been for me.
Everyone has their story.
Thank you for witnessing mine.